Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
