I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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