I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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