I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
