My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
how drunk are you?
Several
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
