I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.