did you get engaged???
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.