every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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