i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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