Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
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Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
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Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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