You just made me feel so damn special
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
