I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
