I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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