why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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