Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
there is puke in my bra ... again
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