I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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