my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
