you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
