so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
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There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
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Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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