how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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