her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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