Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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