you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
