Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Are we still banned from the library?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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