its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
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The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
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Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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