I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
