well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
