I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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