one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
