I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
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