can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
