your parents love me but you hate me
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Actions speak louder than pants.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
