i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My pussy is not your playground.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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