I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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