all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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