My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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