I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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