There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
