I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
