Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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