It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
