maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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