Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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