im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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