apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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