if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The power of my boobs compel you
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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