You work out of a Hotel?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
