Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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