Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
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I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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