the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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