Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
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we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
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Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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