i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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